This is a post I have wanted to write but have been dreading at the same time. I went into hospital the end of last week with breathing problems. The technical hitch was that I was pregnant so they couldn’t do the testing they would normally do.

On 1 May, I had the shock to discover that the baby had gone. This was not something I was anticipating. The fact that I was having breathing problems and still had pregnancy symptoms had made me unprepared for the news I was given.

What I can say is that the maternity staff did everything they could. My things had been moved from a four bed room where women were either being monitored before the baby came or had their own babies next to them into a single room of my own.

Fact is, I have gone through 5 pregnancy losses but it doesn’t matter when you lose during a pregnancy, that baby is still your baby. I didn’t want to go through the whole cycle of baby loss and grief again and yet, here I am.

The Sister in the ward offered to call Kevin for me and let him know. Once he came, I felt his loving support all around me. We have gone through these losses together and we will get through this one together. Kevin and I chose the name Serah for this baby because it means “morning star.”

Of course, it is different this time because Johnathan had guessed I was pregnant when he came to the maternity ward to visit me with his Dad. So we had to explain to him that the baby had gone to heaven. We had another talk with him last night about it and reassured him it was ok to be sad and that he could talk to us about it any time he wanted to.

Returning to the normal routine will be good but will also be weird. I was beginning to plan for this baby and now all that will be gone. At least this time Kevin works 3 days a week from home so I won’t be completely alone for long.

Last night I sat and wrote a poem for her. Serah is a part of our family and always will be. No matter how far in life we go, I know that I will always remember her and she will always be a part of me.

I will look for you
In the nightfall and the dew
As day passes into night
And night into day.

I will look for you
With the sunshine and the rain
Each leaf that sings my name
And calls you forward to me.

I will look for you
Though I know where you are
When your name is spoken
A sweet memory of you.

I will look for you
In the galaxies above
Wondering where you are
And who you would have been.

I will look for you
Until that final day
When heaven calls my name
And I’ll meet you in the sky.

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